Twilight Anecdotes
by kmw0202
Summary: What happens when Edward makes Bella an unwanted gift for Homecoming? What's Christmas at the Cullens' like? How does Jake reveal to Renesmee that he used to be in love with her mom? Everything you ever wanted to know but never got to hear about Twilight.
1. Homecoming

**Hi, all! I finally found the inspiration (and time) to start writing again! Hopefully this is as entertaining to all of you as it is to me. I always find myself imagining what would happen if the Twilight characters were put in certain situations. Like homecoming, for example. Mine passed just a few weeks ago and I could imagine so vividly how Edward and Bella would react to the whole mum/garter situation. And thus, this little anecdote was born. **

**For those of you who don't know, in the south (I live in Texas), the day of the homecoming football game, girls are given mums by their dates to the dance, and boys are given garters. Mums are big corsages that are worn in the middle of the chest like a breastplate. They have tons of ribbons, whistles, bows, even lights hanging from the centerpiece. They're kind of rediculous. Garters are slightly less flashy and are worn around a boy's bicep. **

**So this is what would occur if they celebrated the mum tradition in Washington. **

**Please R & R. I'm always so much more motivated to write if I have constructive feedback. Enjoy!**

* * *

I had been very clear with Edward: No mum.

No ribbons, no bows, no nothing. No garter, no football game, and certainly no dance.

He had agreed reluctantly, but he'd agreed nonetheless. So I was confident that he'd respect our agreement and not put me through such embarrassment—he knew how clumsy I was. I cringed when I imaged what adding a fifteen pound mum to the equation would do.

I donned my jacket and headed out into the sheeting rain. I hurried as quickly as I could while still making sure not to slip in a puddle and slid into Edward's Volvo.

"Good morning," he said in his silky voice.

"Good morning," I replied, looking up at him and feeling the usual intensification of all five of my senses. My heart gave a hyperactive thud as I stared at the archangel, the perfection that was Edward. Even after all this time, I couldn't stop looking at him. I couldn't get used to the chiseled lines of his jaw, the high planes of his cheekbones, the bottomless butterscotch color of his eyes, his—

He cleared his throat.

I finally tore my gaze away from his painfully beautiful face.

And then my eyes fell onto a heap of yellow and blue adornments in his lap. My brow furrowed.

"Edward. Cullen." My voice was unusually high, an embarrassing side effect of the anger.

He looked remorseful as he held up the mum in all of its sickeningly romantic glory. It was colossal—it had three blue heart-flowers at the top, cradling three miniature yellow bears. Ribbons cascaded down in a million different textures and patterns, "Edward and Bella" printed in sparkly lettering every which way I looked. Bells jingled and whistles tinkled, as if to assure me that not only would I be obnoxiously ostentatious, but I'd be loud, too. It was so big that it had a thick rope at the top to go around my neck—it couldn't've weighed less than twenty pounds.

"Edward. Cullen." I repeated.

He grinned crookedly. "I'm sorry, love, I couldn't resist. I didn't want you to feel left out. You only go through high school once."

I glared at him, my fury escalating. "That's not true."

"Alright, you only go through high school your first time once."

"I can't believe you! I can't believe _Alice_!" This was very obviously her handiwork.

"I—we all—want you to take advantage of this time, Bella. You won't know how precious humanity is until you've lost it."

"Edward, _you're_ the most precious thing to me," I mumbled pathetically.

He leaned across the console to cradle my head in his ice cold hands. His lips descended on mine, caressing them in glorious patterns. "Then wear it for me," he whispered into my lips. "Please?"

How well he knew me. His lips on mine, my thoughts all jumbled, his cool breath clouding my thoughts. Of course the only thing I could say was "yes".

I was wrong.

It must have weighed _thirty_ pounds. I felt like I had a full grown child clinging to my neck as Edward and I made our way down the hall together. The only reason I wasn't toppling over head first was because he was clutching my side and supporting my weight.

He was right, though. I didn't feel left out.

I felt like a walking, talking banner for Forks High School, that's what I felt like.

Even Jessica—Jessica!—made a sour face when she saw the grandiose mum weighing me down. Mike shot Edward a hateful look when we passed him, but made sure to jeer, "Bella, where'd your body go? You look like a floating head!" Angela told me I looked "amazing" when she and Ben strolled past us, arm in arm. I wondered why Edward, for once in his eternal life, couldn't be a normal boyfriend like Ben and make me a reasonable sized mum like Angela's.

Alice's mum looked just as big on her as mine did on me, but _she_ pulled it off flawlessly, appearing as if it were the most common of occurrences. I made sure to give her a piece (er, rather large chunk) of my mind.

I made it through the first half of the day without any major incidents, but I figured one was absolutely inevitable. Edward and I were walking towards the cafeteria, and as I took my first step to ascend down the stairs, one of the longer ribbons of the unwelcomed addition to my outfit tucked itself under my shoe.

And that was the end of it—my feet flew out from under me and I toppled down the flight of steps like a rag doll, all muddled up in a blue and yellow ball. Edward was by my side at the bottom of the stairs in an instant.

I glowered up at him. "Are you alright, love?" His voice was almost as frantic as at had been the day he saved me from Tyler Crowley's skidding van. He scooped me up and set me down on my feet effortlessly, brushing the hair out of my face and looking into my eyes to gauge my reaction.

My neck grew hot, my temper flaring. "Edward…" I growled.

"I'm sorry, love. Really, I am." He kissed my forehead.

"Edward…" I repeated, closing my eyes to avoid his ocher eyes.

"Here," I heard him say. Suddenly, I had nothing around my neck weighing me down. My eyes flew open.

"…Edward. What are you doing?" I asked, looking him up and down. My mum was fastened around _his_ neck—he looked as ridiculous as a dog wearing sunglasses. I snickered.

"Here. Now we're even," he declared confidently, sliding his hand back in mine.

And then he led me down the hall, making small conversation, as if all 356 of Forks High School's students weren't staring at him.


	2. Notes

**Hey guys. I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist doing a note entry. It was too adorable an opportunity to pass up.**

**Please R & R! It's what makes my world go round.**

* * *

**Bella, _Edward _**

My head drooped out of the palm of my hand for the fourth time that minute, effectively snapping me out of the bordem-enduced coma that wouldn't stop gripping me. I shook my head lightly and tried not to focus on the pulsing of blood behind my tired eyes. Mr. Banner continued to drone on at the front of the classroom, and every few minutes I could pick out a word or two that I knew the meaning of.

My eyes shifted over to Edward. He was sketching something that I couldn't quite make out.

Quickly and as quietly as I could, I pulled a blank sheet of notebook paper out of my binder and scribbled on the first line.

**Want to pass notes? This is painful.**

**_Love to. This information gets more boring every time I hear it._**

**I can imagine. How many times is it now? Five? Six?**

**_More than that. I've lost count. You look beautiful today, by the way._**

**Thank you. So do you.**

**_Stop blushing. You're making it impossible for Mike to focus on his education._**

I glanced sideways at Mike, who met my gaze for a fraction of a millisecond, and then looked around nonchalantly as if he had been scanning the classroom. His ears flushed pink. I jotted a question down on the paper and slid it across the black topped table.

**Do you think Mr. Banner's hair is a toupee? I can't decide.**

**_Most likely. Do you think Coach Clapp is really a man?_**

**Edward! I can't believe you'd… Well…. Hm… You have a point.**

**_Bella, stop giggling. People are looking._**

**In case you haven't noticed, they aren't looking over here because I'm giggling.**

**_It's because the most beautiful girl in the world is sitting over here._**

**Hah. Funny. Have you _looked_ in a mirror lately?**

**_You think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world? Thank you, Bella._**

**You're full of jokes today, aren't you? Are you going hunting this weekend?**

_**No, I don't think so. Jasper and Emmet want to go back to Canada for the weekend, but I don't think I can be that far away from you. Just imagine the trouble you could get into.**_

**Gee, thanks. And good. I missed you too much last weekend.**

**_As I missed you, love._**

**So you'll come over tonight?**

**_As soon as Charlie starts snoring._**

**Good. So… What else is there to do in the most boring class in America?**

**_Looking at you is usually sufficient for me. I think Mike agrees._**

**I'm choosing to ignore that. Hmm… Is anyone thinking anything interesting?**

**_Well… Mike is wondering what we're writing about and admiring the color of your skin in that shirt… And now he's wondering what you're thinking about. And Jessica's wondering what he's thinking about. Angela was paying attention, but even she's stopped listening now._**

**Gasp! Angela! I'm sho—**

Suddenly, our notes were being ripped from my grasp by a plump hand with hair on the knuckles. Mr. Banner was looming over me, an infuriated fire burning in his eyes. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks already. Edward stiffened beside me.

"So. Ms. Swan and Mr. Cullen. You already know this information so proficiently that you didn't think it was necessary to pay attention to my lecture?"

Was that supposed to be rhetorical? Neither of us said anything.

"Surely if it was so important that it couldn't wait until after class, everyone in the room needs to hear about it."

I slid my burning face into my hands as he spoke the words I was praying he wouldn't say.

He unfolded the sheet of paper and cleared his throat loudly.

"_Want to pass notes? This is painful_." I noticed that he heightened his voice an octave and made me sound excessively annoying. "_Love to_," he continued, "_This information gets more boring every time I hear it._" He glanced over the top of the paper and gave Edward a stern look.

"_I can imagine. How many times is it now? Five? Six?_" At this, I heard chairs shifting and whispers beginning. If it wasn't so embarrassing, I would have had the impulse to laugh. They all thought Edward had flunked his Junior year five times.

"_More than that. I've lost count. You look beautiful today, by the way_." Mike stiffened in his seat.

"_Thank you. So do you._

"_Stop blushing. You're making it impossible for Mike to focus on his education_." I tried to sink as low into my chair as I possibly could, but no matter how hard I tried, I simple couldn't disappear. Edward's expression was stony and I couldn't even bear to look over at Mike to gauge his reaction.

But Mr. Banner didn't stop there. His intention of reading the note in its entirety was clear. "_Do you think Mr. Banner's hair is a toupee? I can't decide._" Mr. Banner's eyebrows came together in the middle of his forehead as he glared at us from behind his glasses.

"_Most likely. Do you think Coach Clapp is really a man?"_ A few of the students giggled at this.

"_Edward! I can't believe you'd… Well…. Hm… You have a point._

"_Bella, stop giggling. People are looking. _

"_In case you haven't noticed, they aren't looking over here because I'm giggling_." I noticed Jessica look down nervously and pretend to be suddenly occupied with the hair tie on her wrist.

"_It's because the most beautiful girl in the world is sitting over here."_ Mike's hands balled into fists.

"_Hah. Funny. Have you looked in a mirror lately?_

"_You think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world? Thank you, Bella._

"_You're full of jokes today, aren't you? Are you going hunting this weekend?_" My body hardened upon first hearing these words, but then I realized that the idea of the Cullens going out of town to go hunting wouldn't seem at all out of place to the other students.

"_No, I don't think so. Jasper and Emmet want to go back to Canada for the weekend, but I don't think I can be that far away from you. Just imagine the trouble you could get into. _

"_Gee, thanks. And good. I missed you too much last weekend. _

"_As I missed you, love_." Did someone just sigh romantically?

"_So you'll come over tonight?"_ I wished that I could die. Contract meningitis right there and then, fall out of my chair, and DIE.

"_As soon as Charlie starts snoring."_ Someone gasped, only adding to my horror.

"_Good. So… What else is there to do in the most boring class in America?_

"_Looking at you is usually sufficient for me. I think Mike agrees."_

Suddenly, I remembered what Mr. Banner would be saying in only a few seconds' time. I had asked Edward to tell me what the rest of the class was THINKING. At that moment, my body kicked into reaction mode, and before I had even decided to do it, I was on my hands and knees on the floor, pretending to wretch and almost vomit.

Mr. Banner finally looked away from the note while the rest of the class stood up in their seats nervously. Edward was crouching beside me instantaneously.

"Ms. Swan?" Mr. Banner asked hesitantly as I heaved and attempted to make myself look extremely pale, which wasn't a difficult feat.

"Mr. Banner," Edward said assertively, holding my hair out of my face, "She doesn't deal well with embarrassment."

"Well, take her to the nurse! Immediately!"

Edward scooped me up and I dramatically lulled in his arms. The entire class was still standing, waiting and watching to see what erratic turn of events would occur next. The last thing I saw before Edward whisked me out of the room was Mr. Banner crumpling our note into a ball and throwing it in the trash can by his desk.

When we had rounded the corner, Edward set me down on my feet. I grinned up at him triumphantly, satisfied at how well my spur of the moment plan had worked.

"I was wrong," he said slowly.

"About what this time?" I beamed.

"Perhaps acting is a good career choice for you."

A giggle burst from my lips as he pulled me into his arms again and raced me to the parking lot to go listen to a CD in the Volvo.


	3. Edwardly Speaking

I stumbled out of the darkness of the movie theatre, letting my eyes adjust as Edward dutifully held the door open for me. Going to the movies wasn't an activity we usually partook in; Edward was convinced they didn't make good movies anymore. But to appease Charlie, who had spent many a wasted breath telling me that Edward and I should get out more instead of keeping to ourselves all the time, we went to an 8:15 showing of House of Death.

As its title would suggest, it was a cliché, painfully predictable movie, with each of its main character being picked off one by one in often comical ways. It wasn't even realistic enough to trigger my gag reflex, with was really saying something. I glanced at Edward. His expression was unreadable.

Other groups and couples were filing out all around us, and I couldn't help but overhear their opinions of the movie.

"Dude, that sucked," a boy said to his girlfriend, who giggled and slid her arm into his. His hands stayed securely in his coat pockets.

"Well, there went seven bucks," another male voice behind us sighed.

Finally, Edward turned to me. "What'd you think?" I asked zealously. The corner of his mouth twitched.

"That was dreadful." His expression was calculating. "The acting was atrocious. That director should be shot. No. Fired, then shot. And who one Earth did those special effects? They left much to be desired."

"At least that one girl was hot," the male voice was commenting.

"The score was decent," Edward continued. "Although, the composer relied too heavily on the strings to carry the pieces. It would have been more effective had he—"

He glanced at me, and then paused. My expression must have been giving me away, as usual. "What?"

I looked down, my cheeks flushing. "Nothing."

He grinned, but his eyes were still hard. "No, what is it?" he persisted. His voice was terribly persuasive.

I bit my lip. "Do you hear yourself? I mean, you speak so eloquently. You don't belong in the same universe as these…"—I searched for an adjective slightly more tactful than "idiots". There wasn't one—"…idiots."

For a long moment, his expression was unreadable. Then he chuckled my favorite silky, musical laugh. The mood was palpably lighter, and he pulled me into his stone side.

We stepped outside and into the drizzling rain.

"I should write a book," I concluded.

"Mm? What about?" he asked, a smile still playing on his flawless lips.

"How to Talk Like Edward." I used one hand to place the imaginary title in the air in front of me.

"I'd like to read that," he laughed as we approached the Volvo. He kissed the top of my head, and then held the passenger door open for me so I could get out of the rain.

* * *

How to Talk Like Edward

Normal Guy: Man, girl, you are FINE!

Edward: You are the most exquisite creature I have ever seen

Normal Guy: Wanna go out some time?

Edward: Might I escort you to dinner? You really should stay away from me.

Normal Guy: I love you.

Edward: You are my life now.

"There." I smiled, saved the word document, and flipped off my ancient monitor, not patient enough to shut things down properly. And then I walked to the window to let my life, my Edward inside.


	4. Don't Read If You're Hungry

"Aren't you going to miss the food?" Edward asked me, his eyes blazing as he tried to stare me down from across my kitchen table. He picked up a strawberry from my lunch plate and held it between long, pale fingers.

"Miss the food when?" I asked through a mouthful of sandwich.

"We have a pretty strict diet," he muttered, his voice low and harsh.

Oh. He was _still_ trying to convince me to grow old and wrinkly while he stayed frozen seventeen forever in all of his befuddling perfecting. Right.

"Hm," I mused as I shoved a chip into my mouth, "An eternity with you or some really good slices of pizza… You know, now that you mention it, I think I choose the pizza." My voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Not just pizza," he pressed. "Gourmet spaghetti. I'll take you to Rome if you like, and you can have the most exquisite Italian food in the world."

"Thanks, but no thanks." I hoped my tone would close the matter.

"Or Ghirardelli chocolate in San Francisco," he offered, placing the strawberry back on my plate.

I stayed silent as I chewed.

"Hot Fudge Sundays, steaming hot Corn on the Cobb in Tennessee, BBQ in Texas, authentic Chinese food in Hong Kong. We could go anywhere you like, Bella."

It appeared he wasn't going to give this up. I scooted out from the table, my chair making a loud noise on the linoleum floor. I went to the sink and began washing off my plate.

He continued to talk over the noise of the faucet. "Dinner overlooking the Eiffel Tower in Paris, hot chocolate in a cozy pub in London… Zesty chili, hamburgers, angel cake, fresh grown watermelon, ripe apples, spicy burritos…"

I started tuning him out when he got to the names of food that I'd never heard before.

"Steak! Bella, think of all the rarely cooked steak!"

I turned off the faucet, set my plate in the sink, and stumbled over to where he still sat at the table.

"Edward. There isn't a food in the world that could taste better than _you_."

And then I bent down and pressed my lips to his.

When I broke away, he was grinning. "You terrible little monster," he muttered.

* * *

**Por favor! Read and Review! All the cool kids are doing it. **

**Also, if any of you have any ideas for these little anecdotes, I'd love to hear what you'd like to read about. Leave me a comment or PM. **


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